


Screwed To Hell

by SxDxB



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Bullying, M/M, Self-Denial, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Underage Drinking, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-09 04:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4333494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SxDxB/pseuds/SxDxB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor Stevens was your " All American" Teenage boy. He was good at sports, he did good academically. He was good looking. The only thing Connor wasn't good at was maintaining a relationship with a girl.....<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deepest Darkest Secret

**Author's Note:**

> ( Just a little something i started to write.. I dunno how long it’ll be we’ll see enjoy <3)

_Connor Stevens was you’re all American boy; he was on the baseball team -one of their best players- he was good academically, not to mention he was good looking as well. All in all he was like the ideal son, the only thing Connor wasn’t good at was maintaining a relationship with a girl, it never exactly worked out like most everyone else’s seemed to. Connor would seem bummed about it but he’d never be extremely upset about it like a guy his age would usually be. No instead he felt bad for the girl but kinda relived for himself._

_Why Mr. popular jock boy felt that way? Perhaps because he was harboring a secret, he had been repressing all these thoughts and feelings for so long he had built up a pretty strong wall to keep these thoughts out of his head. What thoughts you may be asking yourself. Well the thoughts about guys in his class. While his teammates and friends were talking about girls and their hotness Connor would just slip by with a “sure” or “yeah totally “when really Connor was much more interested in guys. He would catch himself staring at attractive guys and mentally slap himself for letting his look linger too long, especially around his dad who seemed mostly blind to Connors looking at another male._

_Connor had become pro at keeping all these thoughts and feelings at bay that is until he met one Jude Adams Foster. Not only was the boy adorable in every sense of the word but he was smart and sassy and Connor found himself loving that. He found himself loving everything about Jude. From those big doe brown eyes to his big beautiful brain and his amazing –kissable- looking lips. One could say Connor was easily fawning over the smaller boy but he couldn’t help it. Something about Jude was just… Perfect._

_Shortly after meeting the two became fast best friends and suddenly they were inseparable they did everything together. Adam had always been hyper aware of the growing closeness between his Son and Jude, he kept a sharp eye on them. Adam saw the lingering touches the too close sitting and he said nothing for the longest time._

_Along the lines of Jude and Connors friendship Adam tried separating them by telling Connor he couldn’t stay over and he couldn’t hang out with Jude which of course upset Connor. Then his dad started with the whole “Jude is Gay” thing and well that went terrible for everyone. Jude had gotten pissed at Connor and Connor tried to give him space but also tried to make sure he was okay and that no one was making fun of him or trying to hurt him. Things got tense and weird when Connor started dating Daria, he didn’t think it felt right but he was able to hang out with Jude again which was a plus._

_That was all within their first year of meeting…_

—————————————————————————————————-

Present: 9th Grade.

Connor and Jude were in the 9th grade now Connor had just turned 15 years old and Jude was just a year younger than him. Things were okay he and Jude were able to hang out of course as long as Connor kept a girlfriend or something. But Connor couldn’t do it anymore so he broke up with Daria. Adam kept a watchful eye on Connor however his son seemed to keep his distance to an extent with Jude and made sure to talk about girls to his dad.

“Jude Hey! We’re still on for tonight right?” Connor asked curiously as he switched his books in his hands as he looked at the smaller boy. Jude gave a small nod and smiled. “Yeah of course!” he said. The bell rang and the boys split up to head to their classes. A lot had happen between Jude and Connor that past year, things Adam knew nothing about.

Jude and Connor had kissed in a tent on a camping trip and then in Jude’s bedroom and a few other times. Kissing Jude felt right to Connor it’s all he wanted to do anymore but he knew he couldn’t tell his dad because his dad just wouldn’t understand at all. Jude knew he liked Connor they had a mutual liking but he wouldn’t let Connor keep him a secret so they were just friends…

Later that night Jude and Connor had been sitting up in Jude’s room talking.” So are you gonna tell your dad?” Jude asked softly. Connor looked up from his notebook and shook his head “Jude I can’t… he’s not as cool as your moms… He…” Connor paused and glanced down. “He still doesn’t like us hanging out.” He said softly. Jude knew Connors deepest darkest secret he was the only one that knew Connor was gay. “Connor you can’t keep lying to him and more importantly you can’t keep lying to yourself it’s not healthy.” Jude said with a small pout on his lips which made Connor pause to admire his adorable pout.” Just… Not yet okay?” Connor asked as he glanced back to his notebook.” You’re cute when you pout you know that?” he asked curiously looking to Jude with a smile.

———————————————————————————————–

A week later Connor was switching his books in-between classes he had just closed his locker when one of the guys from his baseball team showed up with this weird smirk on their face. It was one of the older kids on the team so Connor knew it had to be something stupid…

“Hey Connor!” Drew said as he came to a stop in front of the younger boy. Connor raised an eyebrow and looked at Drew “Hey Drew..” he said suspiciously eyeing the older boy.” So look there’s gonna be party at Tony’s tonight the whole team is invited which means you can come…” Drew said excitedly.” There’s gonna be girls there and some boozes… Whatd’ya think?” The older boy asked a mischievous look in his eyes. Connor bit his lower lip in thought. “I dunno… I mean what would I tell my dad?” Connor asked curiously, unsurprisingly Drew had an answer. “Tell him it’s a team get together no biggy.” Drew said nonchalantly.

After a moment of silence Drew asked “So are you in or what?” Connor glanced around as if to find an excuse not to go but he couldn’t find one so he gave into the older boy staring at him.” Yeah…” he nodded “Yeah I’m in I’ll be there what time?” Drew grinned “Awesome it starts at 8!” he nodded “I’ll pick you up. “Drew informed as the bell rang before he sauntered off to his class. Connor stood still for a minute as if he were a deer in headlights before finally shaking his head and heading to class.


	2. What Did You Just Do..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes to A Party... Someone gets kissed. There’s some drunk dialing and well.. lets see what happens. Enjoy! :D

Unsurprisingly Adam Stevens was more than thrilled that Connor was getting together with his baseball team, as soon as Connor had said it was a small get together with the team Adam instantly said absolutely and was probably silently celebrating with himself that finally his son was getting more involved with his friends on the team rather than hanging with Jude. So when Drew pulled up outside and honked once Connor rushed outside and got into the car then they were off to Tony’s. Connor was wearing his ripped blue jeans and a plan grey t-shirt with a black flannel covering it he left it unbuttoned he wore black and white converse on his feet he hadn’t done much with his hair just messed it up a bit before grabbing his phone off the charger and running out as soon Drew had gotten there. Drew was talking about how Connor was going to love the party all the willing girls and how Connor may just get lucky tonight if he played his cards right. Connor just let out a small laugh and looked out the window pretending he was looking forward to that part. ———————————————————————————————-

A few minutes and some circle the street later they had found a sort of safe place to park Drew’s baby. Connor got out after Drew and followed him toward Tony’s house, it was obvious that Tony’s parents weren’t around because music was blasting the doors and windows were opened up and people had already tped outside the front of the house. “You nervous?” Drew asked curiously as they neared the house. Connor took in a deep calming breath, Nervous was an understatement to say the least. “Nah I’m good.” He lied as they got closer.” You gonna be okay on your own?” Drew asked curiously an eyebrow raised as he looked at Connor.” Cause ya know I’m kinda meeting up with a girl so… I can’t hold your hand…” He teased. Connor gave him a look before shoving him toward the door. “I’ll be fine you just go!” Connor said as Drew laughed and put his hands up in a false surrender before walking backwards into the crowd of people dancing. Connor stood by the door staring at the mass of teenagers. There were some grinding, some dancing, and some talking.

A few people hung around by the refreshments and he decided that would be a good place to hang out for a while. Slowly Connor made his way through the people and over to the refreshment table a few kids he didn’t know gave him a once over before going back to their conversations. Tony found Connor quickly and smiled “Hey man glad you made it!” he said loud enough to be heard over the music he disappeared before holding a beer out to Connor “You want a canned beer or some beer from the keg?” Connor looked at the beer in hand and decided he’d go with that. “This is good.” He said unsure of himself before taking the beer from Tony who clapped him on the back before going into the crowd and screaming getting everyone else riled up. Before arriving at the party Connor had specifically told himself “Just one beer that’s it Just one no more than that.” He had believed that at the time. After arriving at the party however one beer had turned into “Have another beer.” Had turned into “Let me get you another beer.” And from that it had been “Here try this shot.” And finally

Connor couldn’t think straight anymore he had made his way over to the couch some girls sitting beside him but he showed them no interest instead he focused on Riley’s Abs and Stomach as he was picked up and drinking from the keg at a weird angle almost like in one of those college movies. Connor couldn’t take his eyes away though not before they set Riley down and his shirt covered him back up. Shaking his head Connor pulled his phone out and started to text Jude, The first one made no sense the second one read “ _ **Miss u Judipops ;]**_ ” and Jude had replied with a “ **_Connor are you okay?_** ” and Connor had replied with a “ **_Yeah babes awesome. Wanna see you… Can I see u?_** ’ And Jude had replied with a “ ** _Where are you?_** ” Connor had paused his texting though as a beer was passed in front of his face he blinked and stared at it funny.

Somewhere beside him a guy cheered, Connor glanced over to see the cause of the commotion and it was these girls he didn’t know they were caught in a lip lock this made no effect on Connor so he glanced back to his phone .” _**Tony’s**_.” He sent it and Jude replied “ _ **At a party?**_ ” Connor nodded then paused before sending “ _**UHn huh.Can I come see you?**_ ” he hit the button to send. Someone was getting a bit too crazy one person ended up tripping over the coffee table and landing directly in Connors lap. Connor stared wide eyed but didn’t move. The boy on his lap moved to sit up he was drunk as was Connor “ S’orry “ he slurred slightly as he went to get up he paused. Connor looked at him narrowing his eyes a bit “S’okay” he said in reply. The boy whom landed on Connors lap was Jay he wasn’t on the baseball he was quiet and kept kinda to himself, he was small like Jude but he had blue eyes and flippy brown hair not bad looking.

A Girl beside Connor noticed the awkwardly long stares and decided to make them into a show for the girls. “You guys should so kiss!” Gigi said. Connor turned his head to look at her “What no? I don… he’s a him… I don’t…” he couldn’t form the right words and apparently neither could Jay cause he was just as confused as Connor. Then the girls around them all cheered for a kiss. Jay and Connor looked at one another Jay shrugged. “For me?” Gigi batted her eyelashes and that effected Jay who looked back to Connor and punched his arm lazily. “C’monn man let’s just do it!” Connor looked from Gigi to Jay who was now way too close to Connors face he quickly shut his eyes as Jay kissed him, at first Jay was just kissing him and then slowly Connor eased into it kissing Jay back. Gigi and a few other girls cheered and made some cat calls like the boys.

Gigi picked up Connors phone, Once Connor got into the kiss he had put a hand on the back of Jays head to pull him closer and they seemed to be going at it. Gigi decided to make a video of it after a few minutes Gigi stopped the video and decided she wanted a taste of Jay so she pulled him over to her. Connors phone was between them and he sat there dazed for a few minutes before grabbing his phone he noticed the text messages he had and a missed call… ———————————————————————————————–

Connor made his way outside and looked at his phone again noticing Jude had called he decided to call him back. It rang once. Then Twice. Finally Jude picked up “Hello?” Jude said softly. Connor smiled “hai there cutie pants whatcha doin can I come see you?” he asked. Jude paused “Connor. Are you drunk?” Connor kind of giggled as he started walking down to the side walk. “Maybe a kinda… yeah a little… Hey listen “he tried sounding serious “Imma tell my Dad… that I’m gay right now.” Jude sat up right on his bed and gripped his phone “Connor… I don’t think that’s a good Idea given the fact you’re drunk… and underage and … You’re not thinking clearly.” Jude was panicked because this wouldn’t end well, If Connor went home drunk off his ass and announced to his dad he was gay as fuck. “ No No… Jude that’s… I’m thinking clearly as clear as glass I swear… imma go tell him.” Connor said going in the direction of his house course he was kinda all over the place at the moment. “No! No Connor…” Jude paused and took in a deep breath he knew he had to get Connor to come over somehow.

Jude calmed himself down before speaking again. “No… Connor… Baby” he bit his lip he knew this would get Connor to come over. “Come see me…” he said softly into the phone. Connor was quiet before he giggled “Baby?” he questioned. “I like it when you say that.” He mumbled and stopped walking. Jude breathed a small sigh of relief.” Yeah? Come see me Baby… I wanna see you.” Connor smiled to himself at Jude’s words “Wanna see you to Jude.” Connor then started in the direction of Jude’s house. “Comin to see you.” He said softly into the phone. Jude smiled a bit “Good. I can’t wait to see you baby… “He paused he knew it was working. “Be there soon.” Connor mumbled he was going to hang up but Jude thought it wasn’t the best idea. “Hey … Hey baby… Connor… Just stay on the phone with me okay? Talk to me I wanna hear your voice.” He said softly. Jude heard Connor on the other end of the line curse he probably tripped or something.” Shit.” He mumbled before gripping the phone.” Okay. I’m here.” Jude made his way out of his room and out onto the porch with his phone. It was midnight and this was surely going to be interesting. Connor made his way to Jude’s house as he got within eyeshot they hung up the phone and Jude started walking toward Connor to meet him.

Connor after hanging up with Jude called his dad he had been determined to tell his dad while on liquid courage. Connor got the voicemail his dad was asleep he knew it; Jude had just gotten within earshot. “Dad… hey … it’s me… Connor… Your one and only son.” He said into the phone and Jude stared at him. “And I just wanna tell you. “He paused and looked at Jude.” I- I’m… oh man … I like guys “he giggled a bit “Yeah … not … not into girls. “he said and Jude stared at him wide eyed “Connor.” He said and Connor put up a hand “Lemme tell you somethin dad It feels so damn good to get that off my chest I can’t … I’m … I like guys … Like this cutie” he poked Judes nose and Jude swatted his hand before grabbing his phone and hanging it up “Connor… What the hell did you just do?” Jude asked seriously. Connor just leaned himself against the smaller boy” Told my dad I like you … kinda cutie “he giggled and kissed Jude’s cheek. Jude closed his eyes tightly he knew what was to come in the morning he knew it was gonna be hell.


	3. Let Me In..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude is so bonded with Connor he can see past everything he knows something isn't right ... He can feel it. Jude finds out part of the problem..

Connor woke up the next after noon on Jude’s bed he had a majorly bad hangover, so he moved slowly and looked around confused until he realized where he was then he looked around for Jude. Connor got up slowly and made his way out of Jude’s room and toward the bathroom where he made sure to clean himself up a bit, he had no idea what happened last night after he had the shot it all became a blur. Hell he didn’t even know how he managed to get to Jude’s house.

Jude was downstairs he had taken Connors phone because he knew Adam would call as soon as he got the message from Connor last night, he was right it had started earlier this morning around 7 or 8 that Adam started blowing up Connors phone. Jude didn’t pick it up but there were several voicemails he knew it couldn’t be good. When Connor came downstairs he looked like crap and Jude made sure to tell him just that. “You look like shit.” He said as he got Connor some water and some food. Connor looked slightly offended “Well hi to you to.” he said slowly as he walked over to the table, sitting quietly he glanced around slowly noticing they were the only ones there.

” Where’s everyone?” Connor asked before looking to the offered food. “Everyone had other things to do and I said I’d stay with you but I didn’t tell them what happened.” Jude said as he sat across from Connor looking at him concerned. Connor had this look of confusion on his face “What.. uhm.. What did happen?” He asked slowly unsure if he really wanted to know. Jude took in a deep breath and glanced away he didn’t want to tell Connor but he knew he had to he’d have known by looking at his phone. “You came over last night Connor.” Connor nodded slowly “I gather.” Jude bit his lip and glanced to Connors phone. “You called your dad…” Jude trailed off slowly not meeting Connors eyes. “Jude what did I say to my dad.” Connor knew it was bad because Jude wasn’t looking at him and suddenly Connor had a bad feeling and it wasn’t the hangover, when Jude didn’t say anything Connor started to freak out. “Jude please.. What did I say?” Jude frowned a bit before looking to Connor. “You got his voicemail I think and you.. You told him Connor.. You told him you were gay.” Connor felt as if everything just stopped he felt like he couldn’t breathe like he couldn’t think like suddenly everything was going dark quickly.

“No.. No I didn’t you’re fuckin with me Jude.. Aren’t you?” Jude looked at Connor with a very serious expression which told Connor he was all too serious and most defiantly not fuckin with him. Connor shook his head in disbelief “No.. I wouldn’t do that.” Jude frowned “But you did Connor.. Your dads been calling and texting your phone since 7 “Jude said softly with a frown as he glanced to the phone. “ Gimme the phone.” Connor said looking to his phone, Jude looked to Connor and frowned “I don’t think it’s a good idea Connor.. he’s he doesn’t seem too happy..” Connor didn’t mean to snap like he did but he was freaking out. “Jude give me the fuckin phone.” Jude reluctantly handed the phone over. Connor started looking through all the messages his dad had texted him; most asking where he was and saying they had to talk, those were the newer messages. The first few were bit more negative saying Connor better be fuckin lying; he better not be some fag or something along those lines.

Connor frowned before listening to the messages his dad left, Jude watched sympathetically he could see the hurt on Connors face he could see he was trying to hold back everything he was feeling. Jude walked over to Connor and wrapped his arms around him. “Connor… I think you should stop listening to those.” He said honestly. The sadness and fear and anger was rolling off Connor in waves, Jude reached up and took his phone away “Please stop listening to them Connor…”Jude deleted the messages as Connor sat there silently staring at nothing with this scary blank face, when Jude finished with the message deleting he set Connors phone down and gently took a hold of his face. “Please don’t do anything stupid Connor.. Your dad doesn’t get it and he’s just.. Upset he was just saying stuff he didn’t mean.. “Jude tried to look into Connors eyes, tried to get him to focus but he wasn’t there he wasn’t paying attention and it scared the hell out of Jude. “ Connor. “Jude tried softly holding his face. Connor seemed to slowly come back his face softened only slightly as he looked at Jude before taking the smaller boys hands off his face “ I gotta go Jude.. “ he looked at his phone before taking it and slipping into his pocket. Jude frowned “Connor you can stay here.. “ Connor got up from the table and moved toward the door “I have to go okay… I’ll talk to you later. Promise.” Jude moved toward the door with Connor “You’re not going to do anything stupid are you?” he asked with a frown. Connor shook his head “No.. I just..i gotta go okay.. “And with that Connor was out the door. —————————————————————————————————-

A week later at school Connor seemed back to normal at least for the most part and in front of a lotta people like the guys on his team and that sorta thing. Jude saw it though he saw the way Connor wasn’t happy the way he kept more to himself now he saw how things started to slip like his grades and he wasn’t doing too good on the baseball field either. Jude knew why, he was doing everything his power to be there for Connor. “Hey Connor do you wanna come over? We could play video games? “Jude suggested trying to keep it cool. Connor closed his locker and looked toward Jude “Sure… I mean I’ll ask but I dunno…” he said shoving his hands into his pockets. “Oh okay… Well let me know.” Jude said trying to keep it upbeat, he knew though he felt it Connor was off in every sense of the word something wasn’t right at all.

Connor did go over that night they played video games and tried to work on homework. When it came time for dinner Connor barely touched his and when asked about it he just simply said he wasn’t feeling too good. Jude tried to talk to him but Connor just told him he was fine and then he had to go. Next day at school Connor showed up in a black t-shirt and black hoodie and his ripped blue jeans and converse. Most kids just figured his flannels were being washed or something and thought nothing of it but Jude. Jude made note of it he noticed the way Connor wasn’t carrying himself in the usual confident Connor way, he was giving off this _nothing really mattered_ vibe. Jude frowned and walked over to Connor he tried to keep it light and happy. “ Hey so I know its cheesy but after you left me and Marianna were making these bracelet things and I thought maybe you’d want one?” he asked curiously, hopefully. Connor looked at Jude and gave him a shrug and small smile “Sure.” He said there was no enthusiasm behind it though. Jude took one of the bigger bracelets off his own wrist and put it on Connors right wrist. “Thanks.” Connor said softly before pulling his sleeve down. Jude nodded “Sure thing…” The bell rang and they headed to classes. —————————————————————————————————-

Maybe it was their closeness or maybe they just had this connection that nobody else did But Jude seriously felt all of Connors pain like it was his own. Wednesday at school was very off, Connor came in late he wore the same black hoodie as the day before and a dark colored shirt underneath. Jude noticed Connor seemed more down then yesterday something was wrong and he knew it he could feel it in his bones. At Lunch Jude found Connor in the bathroom. “Hey are you okay?” Jude asked with a frown on his face. Connor barely glanced at Jude he was looking at himself in the mirror, Connor usually had this spark in his eye but Jude didn’t see it there he hadn’t seen it there in days. “Connor?” Jude tried again moving toward the taller boy he gently nudged him. “What’s going on?” Jude asked softly.

Connor slowly tore his eyes from the mirror to look down at Jude; Jude had worry and fear written all over his face. Connor frowned “Nothing.” He paused trying to seem okay for Jude’s sake. “I’m fine Jude.. “ he could tell Jude wasn’t buying it but he wasn’t calling him out on it either. “I’ll be over tonight… Like I promised.” He said but Jude still had that look written all over him. “I’m fine Jude.. I promise… Let’s just go eat.” Connor grabbed his bag and walked out of the bathroom leaving Jude there. Jude watched him go and when he was out the door Jude replied. “That’s the problem Connor.. You’re not fine… and you haven’t been eating…” he mumbled before following out the door. —————————————————————————————————-

That night Jude found out what was off about Connor at least part of what it was. The boys had been playing video games and chatting a little bit it was the first time in a while Jude had seen Connor sort of okay; When they started fooling around though. Jude had playfully nudged Connor saying he was so cheating on their game and that lead to a little wrestling match which lead to Jude pinning Connor down for a split second before being rolled over and pinned to the floor. Connor hadn’t pulled his sleeves up since the day Jude gave him a bracelet which Connor was still wearing. That wasn’t what caught Jude’s eye. No what caught Jude’s eye was the bandage around one wrist and the blood he saw coming through it a little bit probably from Jude grabbing said wrist moments ago. Jude instantly went from laughing and smiling to frowning and concerned and afraid all at once; his doe eyes glanced to Connors other wrist where he saw some healing cuts he frowned more. Connor noticed the sudden change and followed Jude’s eyes before he quickly pulled back and pulled his sleeves down.

Jude sat up and stared at Connor “You’re… cutting?” he asked so softly you almost couldn’t hear it, Connor looked at Jude which was a bad idea because Jude looked like he was about to cry. “No. it’s just it’s nothing Jude don’t worry about it I’m fine. “Connor said quickly wanting to take that pained look off Jude’s face. Jude stared at Connor holding back as much as he could “Connor talk to me please…” he begged moving closer to Connor.” Is it your dad?” he asked softly looking at Connor those doe eyes filled with concern and pain. It killed Connor to see that and to be the cause of that. “I told you… I’m okay.. He hasn’t said anything… really” Jude wasn’t buying it. “We fought okay … but it was no big deal.” Connor tried again but Jude wasn’t buying that either. Connor sighed and pulled his knees up hugging them “We just.. Keep fighting he keeps saying homophobic stuff and he keeps telling me he won’t have a fag as son.” Connor said slowly Jude wouldn’t look away from him. “ When he gets drunk it’s worse the slurs and sometimes he gets physical and shoves me … hits me.. “ He said slowly looking down. Connor sighed closed his eyes “But I’m fine I promise… Okay? I’m fine.” He said with a small nod. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor hugging him tightly “No… You’re not Connor you have to let me in, you have to let me help you please?” Jude begged softly rubbing Connors forearm gently.


	4. It Hurts Me Too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's some altercations that take place at home and at school.. Things are hard.. Jude finally explodes.. and Connor cant seem to stop hurting Jude and it's not helping the situation.

Connor had told Jude everything that had happened between him and his dad since the phone call. It had helped a little bit and Connor was okay for the rest of that week. This week got worse than the week before. It was Tuesday night and Connor was at home with his dad who had one too many to drink. Adam took Connors phone to mess with him but upon scrolling through his videos and photos. It had gone from taunting to homophobic slurs in five seconds after he saw the video the video that Connor didn’t even know was on his phone until this point. Adam threw his sons phone to him with the video on screen and said “Really Connor? “ Connor looked at his phone hesitantly and saw the video he shook his head “I don’t even remember doing that. “He tried to remember but he was wasted at the time. “I can’t believe this shit Connor.” Adam said holding a beer in one hand as he talked down to his son. “My own damn kid is a fag.” He sipped his beer before looking at Connor like he was disappointed in what his son was.

Connor frowned and deleted the video he couldn’t look at his dad and honestly he didn’t want to. “Where did I go wrong?” Adam asked himself wandering to the kitchen mumbling homophobic things to himself. Connor sat there on the couch staring down at his phone at this point he was feeling ** _worthless_** , he felt **_unwanted_** and more than **_hated_** by the guy that was supposed to love him unconditionally. The guy he sought acceptance and love from. After what felt like an eternity Connor went upstairs to his room he closed his door pacing his floor unsure of what to do. After a few minutes he looked toward where he had stashed the blade he been recently self-harming with. Slowly Connor made his way over to his desk he hesitated before opening the drawer and pulling out the blade, he stared at it for a few minutes before pulling up his left sleeve he looked to the healed scars just stared for a while before bringing the blade closer to his wrist he paused. _Jude_. Connor had promised Jude he wouldn’t do it anymore; but Connor felt so sad so hurt so unwanted by his father and he felt like this would help… Connor closed his eyes and whispered “ _Sorry Jude_.” Before cutting himself he winced a bit setting the blade down deciding that the one was enough for now, Connor watched his wrist for a few minutes just stared. ————————————————————————————————–

After a few minutes Connors phone was going off in the background he pulled it out and looked at it; Jude was texting him. Connor took a deep breath setting his phone down as he moved around his room grabbing some first aid stuff and wrapping his bleeding wrist he wrapped it good before glancing to his phone he couldn’t help the guilty feeling that started to ebb its way into him as he thought about the promise he made Jude. Connor picked up his phone and checked the message from Jude. “ _ **Hey I haven’t heard from you in a while are you okay?**_ ” Connor chewed his bottom lip as he debated replying.” _**Sorry. Dads drunk.**_ ” Connor sent it. Jude had been obsessively texting Connor all day and all night until he had to sleep. He was doing it to make sure Connor wasn’t trying to do anything stupid. Of course he wasn’t there to stop him from doing what he had just done. Jude had decided that he needed to call Connor he needed to hear his voice; Jude called him it took three rings until Connor picked up “Hello?” came Connor from the other end. “Hey I just wanted to make sure everything was alright…” Jude said softly concern in his voice. There was silence for a minute “Yeah I’m fine.” Connor said switching his phone to hold it between his ear and left shoulder as he pulled up his right sleeve examining it for a few minutes. “Are you sure?” Jude asked “You can come over…” Jude tried. Connor took in a deep breath “Jude I’m fine.” He said. From downstairs you could hear Adam yelling about one thing or another saying something about his flaming queer son and wondering what the hell happened to make him that way.

There was silence on the phone for a minute.” Connor.. Please I can hear your dad please just.. Come over…” Connor looked at the blade and then his right wrist letting out a sigh “Jude I’m fine okay.. I’m not even listening to him I promise okay… I’m in my room with the door closed. “He tried to assure the other. Jude bit his bottom lip” Connor what are you doing?” he asked softly. “You’re not…are you?” Jude’s voice was laced with fear and worry. Connor frowned looking to the blade on his desk then to right wrist he had been debating on cutting but hearing Jude like that he couldn’t do it he felt bad.” Connor…” Jude said. Connor took in a shaky deep breath “I’m Sorry “he said closing his eyes he grabbed a hold of his phone holding it to his ear.” Connor what’d you do?” Jude sounded so scared so worried and so much like he was going to cry it killed Connor. “Nothing… I’m Just I’m sorry.” He said again he meant it he really did he felt terrible breaking his promise. “I’ll see you tomorrow Jude I’m tired I’m gonna go to bed.” Connor said taking the blade he wiped it off on his shirt before stashing it again and walking over to his bed as he listened to Jude on the other end of the line sounding hesitant to let him off the line. “Okay” Jude said softly “You sure?” he asked softly. Connor laid on his bed closing his eyes “I’m sure.. Night Jude.” Connor said feeling exhausted. After a few minutes they finally hung up. ———————————————————————————————–

Thursday had started out okay for Connor he wasn’t happy but he had avoided confrontation before school with his dad because he was passed out on the couch; when Connor left for school that morning. As soon as Jude got there he looked for Connor not caring about anything else “Hey Connor!” Jude said approaching the taller boy, Connor looked a little tired his hair was messy he looked like he threw on the closet thing which happened to be a black hoodie a grey shirt and a pair of jeans with his converse. Jude himself looked a little messy because he had been worrying about Connor. It took Connor a moment to respond “Hey Jude.” He said looking absolutely beat even though he had in fact slept.” Are you hungry? I got you some food!” Jude said digging into his bag he pulled out a banana for Connor and held it out to him. Connor looked at the offered banana he looked to Jude’s face” Thanks Jude but I’m not really hungry will you hold onto it until later?” he asked as he closed his locker. Jude frowned and nodded “Oh sure…” he put it back in his bag.

The halls had filled up quickly people headed to their lockers and to their afternoon classes for some others like Jude and Connor it was now lunch time the day had dragged on with next to no activity. That was until Jude accidently ran into someone trying to keep up with Connor. “Sorry” Jude said sparing a look over his shoulder, the older kid stopped and turned around “Why don’t ya watch where you’re goin fag?” This stopped Connor dead in his tracks. Jude frowned “ I said sorry ..” he said stopping himself as he looked toward the other kid. The older kid walked to Jude giving him a shove. “ You should be.” Jude stumbled back a bit toward the lockers . Connor turned around slowly and looked at Jude who was frowning at the older kid that was trying to corner him.

“He said he was sorry.” Connor said every bit of anger he had been feeling toward his dad was now aimed at this kid.” Oh and whose this?” The older boy asked taunting Jude.” This your boyfriend?” he asked pointing to Connor. The kid had a good few inches height on Connor and a bit of bigger build but Connor stood his ground, answering before Jude had a chance to open his mouth. “Maybe I am got a problem?” he asked. Connor showed no fear and no sign of backing down so the bigger kid advanced on him now standing just a few inches away from a very pissed off looking Connor. Jude was staring at Connor wide eyed the situation was just blowing up and it really didn’t have to … “Connor just forget it… Let’s go.” Jude tried taking a step toward the two currently having some sorta macho stare down. The older kid glared at Connor “Why don’t you listen to your pipsqueak boy toy?” Connor glared he looked like he was ready to kill someone.” Why don’t you shut the fuck up.” Connor spat back to the taller boy not breaking eye contact, the older boy sorta chuckled a bit as if Connor was stupid for even attempting to challenge him. “Seriously ya queer? You wanna do this?” Connor didn’t move and didn’t answer just stood there and kept his glare.

Jude tried again ‘Connor c’mon.” he frowned moving toward Connor he gently tugged on his sleeve, Connor wasn’t phased by Jude right now the older boy just laughed again and shoved Jude aside. Connor moved in front of Jude “Touch him again I’ll kick your ass.” Connor said deadly serious. The older boy looked at Connor and shrugged shoving him instead “Fine.” That was it for Connor he dropped his bag and shoved the other kid three times harder than the kid shoved him, The older kid stumbled back a bit before stopping and shoving Connor again” Okay princess let’s go.” The kid rolled his sleeves up before shoving Connor harder, Connor stumbled back before tackling the kid to the floor they hadn’t hit at first it was more like wrestling until the older kid hit Connor in the stomach pushing him off and onto the floor next to him. The bigger boy got over Connor who was in pain and was about to hit him when Connor pulled it together enough to take a swing at the bigger boy punching him in the face. “You little shit.” He heard the older boy say.From that point on Connor took on this bigger kid getting a few good hits in and receiving a few good hits himself.

Jude stood shocked and stared at the boys having an all-out brawl right in front of him. He couldn’t find the words to speak and it was like his feet were glued to the floor. Some other kids started to crowd around to watch. It had ended up at this point with Connor out witting the bigger boy thus getting him underneath again he was beating the holy hell out of the bigger kid who had through the whole fight been throwing in homophobic slurs. Some were basic like **fag** , **queer** and **fairy** all directed at Connor. The one that really pushed Connor over the edge though wasn’t even aimed at him it was aimed at Jude in a negative way as was everything the guy had been saying. “Little fuckin cock sucking twink has to have his boyfriend fight his battles for him.”For whatever the reason that pissed Connor off that he was referring to Jude in such a way, so he just started beating on him so angry so hurt after a few minutes the kid stopped struggling Connor probably broke his nose and a few bones he wasn’t going to stop…

“ **STOP IT!** ” Everyone that had crowded around the fight all looked to Jude he was standing in the middle a few feet from Connor and the other kid; nobody had expected him to say anything he was this small quiet boy. Connor paused he knew it was Jude.” Stop It Connor.” He said moving toward the other boy. Jude looked at Connor and Connor couldn’t meet his eyes.” I’m sorry.” He said instantly regretting it because he knew Jude hated violence he knew it and he knew Jude was hating the way Connor had just acted. Jude grabbed Connor by his right wrist and pulled him up pulling out of the crowd he managed to grab Connors bag on the pass through and when they got to a more private place Jude couldn’t keep it down anymore. ———————————————————————————————-

“What the hell was that Connor?” Jude had mixed feelings he was terrified and angry and trying to understand and it was all so confusing.” I’m Sorry.” Connor frowned and looked down feeling ashamed he had disappointed Jude so much. “You need to talk to me Connor because this…” he motioned to the door and then grabbed Connors left arm and pulled it between them pulling Connors sleeve up. “And this. Connor you’re scaring me I dunno what’s going on because you won’t talk to me.” Jude was all worked up and he was damn near breaking down in tears “And it’s Scary Connor! This dark place you’ve gone to I can’t... You won’t let me in to help you and this.” He gently shook Connors arm looking at the bandage that covered his wrist, which had seemed to start bleed due to the fight most likely.” This is fucking Scary Connor you don’t even understand how much it hurts me to see you doing this to yourself do you even understand?” Jude had started crying he couldn’t keep it back anymore he hurt so much seeing Connor so hurt and doing this to himself.

Connor frowned seeing Jude break down he couldn’t stop himself from crying, Jude wasn’t supposed to get hurt he wasn’t supposed to feel what Connor was feeling but here he was in as much pain as Connor and because of Connor. “ I’m so sorry Jude, you weren’t supposed to get hurt this.. I’m sorry Jude!” Connor pulled Jude into a hug the two of them crying, Connor held Jude close and whispered “I’m so sorry Jude.” Over and over as they held each other. “Connor please just stop doing this. Stop hurting yourself… The _**more you hurt yourself the more you hurt me**_.” He said softly gripping Connor as if he’d disappear if Jude let go.


	5. Fragile As We All Are..

Two days after the incident with the older kid and breaking down with Jude, things didn’t seem to be looking up not only was his dad not being supportive at all but now some of the older guys friends were picking on Connor.

It started first thing in the morning with a “Hey Faggot.” And by lunch it got to be physical; two of the older guys friends shoved Connor into a row of lockers they were both bigger than he was, he wouldn’t be able to take both of them down. Connor was supposed to be meeting up with Jude for lunch like always but this was becoming a setback. “Not so tough now are you?” One of the bigger boys said on the right side of Connor the one on the left keeping him in place against the row of lockers. “What’s the matter princess your boyfriend got your tongue? Where is he anyway?” the one on the left asked looking to his friend and Connor just looked away.” Awh what’s the matter he leave you for someone better?” Connor tried to move but was shoved back against the lockers “Not So fast fairy.” “John told us to give you this” the boy on the right hit Connor in the stomach hard it had knocked the wind right out of him he let his head hang forward until the boy on the left lifted his head and pushed it back against the lockers. A few more hits and some homophobic slurs later they had said they’d leave his pretty face for John and decided they were done with him. They dropped Connor to the floor and as they were walking away they talked loud enough so Connor could hear everything. The boy that had been on the left said “I don’t even know why he tries anymore… he’s a waste of space. “ The boy that had been on the right replied with.” Yeah maybe he’ll get it and do us all a favor by killing himself.” They rounded the corner leaving Connor on the hallway floor he didn’t move he just lowered his head their words sinking into his mind and reminding him of what his dad had said just the day before it had been border line of kill yourself but not quiet it. All those words were stuck in Connors head on repeat he couldn’t help the tears that started to fall. —————————————————————————————————-

The words just rolling around in his brain he felt so _empty_ so _worthless_ he felt so sad and angry the words just wouldn’t stop. **_Waste of Space_** , **_Maybe he’ll just kill himself_** , _**I don’t get why he’s even trying**_ , _**Fag**_ , **_queer_**. From that he closed his eyes his dad popped into his head; he was drunk shoving Connor around asking what happened to make him the way he had turned out to be. The thoughts wouldn’t stop they just kept going kept on replaying in his head. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. “Stop” Connor said to himself. He felt as if his whole world was just spiraling down and he couldn’t make the voices stop he couldn’t shut them up. Connor felt like he was losing any control he had left; he got up grabbing his things he walked with his head down he made it to the nearest bathroom slamming the door shut he threw his bag down and paced the bathroom luckily no one else was in there.

Connor he stood still trying to figure out what to do he looked around the bathroom slowly he frowned as he looked down pulling his shirt up he checked out the newly forming bruises he dropped his shirt and looked around the bathroom turning around as he looked all around before his eyes stopped on his reflection in the bathroom mirror he stared at himself the words wouldn’t stop playing over in his head his mind just wouldn’t shut them down, they seemed to get louder. _ **Faggot**_ , _**Queer**_ , **_Fairy_**. _**Why don’t you just kill yourself. Waste of space. What’s wrong with you?** _ Connor glared at himself in the mirror; he started hating what he was seeing. His breathing started to quicken as he started to get mad at himself. He started to hate himself.“ Shut up.” He said to himself ”Just Shut up.” The words wouldn’t stop and finally Connor snapped he tore his eyes away from the mirror and he punched it breaking it he didn’t stop there he started throwing things around the bathroom the garbage can and a few other small things before he turned his attention to the bathroom stalls he started hitting them leaving dents in them as he broke down he yelled at himself again “ ** _JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP_**!” he turned around again seeing the other small mirror he punched it and broke it and finally he stopped he gripped the sink and just stared down at his bleeding knuckles.

The bathroom was trashed it looked like a hurricane had come through there. Connor was trying to control his breathing as he stared at his knuckles they hurt but he didn’t care about that right now. Slowly Connor tore his eyes from his bleeding knuckles to look into the broken mirror he saw his reflection even with the shattered glass; the only thing that could be heard now is the dripping water from the sinks and Connors breathing. It hadn’t fully evened out yet but it was enough. As Connor stared into the shattered mirror the dark thoughts kept swirling around his brain he couldn’t look away from his reflection now he frowned feeling everything he had been trying to repress he felt his dads **hate** and **disappointment** toward him he felt the other kids **hate** and **negativity** he felt his own **hate**.

Connors phone went off in his pocket and it took him a minute to pull out of the dark thoughts enough to hear it and enough to slowly pull it out. _Jude_. Jude had sent him near 20 messages in the last 20 minutes all one right after the other asking where he was what he was doing telling him he was looking for him begging him to reply saying he’d call him-he had called 5 times so far- begging him to meet by their lockers that was the newest one. Connor finally replied with “ ** _be there in a min._** ” before he put his phone back in his pocket. Connor took in a few deep breaths and ran his hands over his face evening his breathing out as he tried to calm himself. ———————————————————————————————

A few minutes later Connor left the bathroom, he left it in the mess that hurricane Connor had created. Connor had his hood pulled up over his head and his sleeves pulled down to hide his still aching and bleeding knuckles and it wasn’t long before he saw Jude. Jude looked so worried even more so as he took in Connors appearance he looked terrible something happened Jude could tell. “Connor what happened? You weren’t at the lunch table..” Jude said slowly trying to gather things; it took a second before Connor replied. “I know.. I’m sorry I got.. Caught up..” he said slowly. Jude frowned and moved toward Connor. “Connor what happened?” Connor had moved himself away unintentionally as Jude moved forward. Connors body hurt the bruises hurt his knuckles hurt Connor hurt. “Nothing.” He lied and Jude knew he was lying.” Connor please…” Jude begged he frowned at the distance Connor was keeping now.” Please.” Jude tried again softer.

Jude reached out slowly keeping his eyes on Connor he put a hand on Connors arm gently pulling his hand out of his pocket.” Please.” He said again. Connor didn’t move away he let Jude take his hand, his eyes moving to Jude’s face. Connor knew he’d see his knuckles he knew he’d ask questions.. Jude looked to Connors hand being as gentle as possible he frowned at the bleeding knuckles. “Connor what happened?” Jude tried to keep himself calm but he just wanted to cry he could feel the hurt rolling off Connor in waves. “Nothing. “He said but Jude just frowned and looked up at him with pleading eyes.” Connors please stop lying to me. What happen..” Jude’s voice was shaky he could tell Jude was trying to keep it together.

“I just.. I got jumped by the older kids friends.. John… his friends didn’t like what I did to John and they caught me on my own.. Nothing I couldn’t handle.” He half lied. Jude frowned.” What happen to your knuckles?” he asked he knew it wasn’t from the fight with the other kids. Connor couldn’t do this to Jude he couldn’t lie to him he frowned and looked down “I punched a mirror..” he said slowly “ In the bathroom and I broke it.. Both of them… “He said as he stared down. Jude frowned deeply and looked at Connors face.” Connor why?” he asked taking a hold of Connors face. Connor frowned he didn’t look at Jude he couldn’t. “I …” he paused he couldn’t bring himself to look at Jude. “I can’t take it … Jude I can’t take it anymore I can’t do this … it hurts … it hurts so much Jude.” Connor started breaking down he couldn’t keep it back any longer and he started to cry everything he felt he hadn’t said before. Jude watched Connor closely the pain he felt from Connor killed him inside he couldn’t stand seeing his best friend like this. “I’m sorry Jude I’m so sorry I just I can’t … I can’t do it anymore I… it just hurts I just want it to stop.” Connor was babbling Jude frowned and pulled him into a tight hug “Shhh s’okay Connor it’s okay… Its okay “he tried to soothe Connor but he was scared so scared.

“Its okay.” he rubbed Connors back slowly. The time to get to class had come and gone and Jude wasn’t moving he wasn’t leaving Connor like this. “It’s okay” he said softly holding Connor closely. The boys had gone from standing to sitting in front of Jude’s locker, Jude had his arms full of Connor who was crying letting it all out. “It’s okay Connor I promise it’s okay.” He gently ran his hand over Connors arm keeping him so close he didn’t ever wanna let go. After a few minutes Connors intense sobbing had subsided and Jude just kept his arms around the bigger boy. “How about you come over? After school?” he asked Connor who started to nod “You can come over maybe we’ll play games or eat junk food… Maybe talk if you want to.. If you don’t want to that’s okay to we can just sit in silence like this if you want.” Jude said softly through a shaky breath. He had to keep it together because Connor had fallen apart just like that. They sat like that for a while longer until the bell rang and the halls started to fill up.” C’mon why don’t we go see Lena?” he asked softly standing up with Connor he kept him close and guided him toward Lena’s office.

Upon entering Lena instantly knew something was very wrong by the look on her sons face, she knew from how Jude had been acting these past few weeks and she knew if it wasn’t Jude himself it was Connor. “Mama … Can we just.. Stay here until the end of the day..” Jude asked keeping Connor in his arms. “Jude what’s the matter?” she asked she couldn’t just let students skip class not without a reason.. Jude moved his doe eyes to Connor who was a mess in his arms as if non-verbally saying he couldn’t talk about it with Connor right here. “Oh hun” she said softly giving a small nod.” I’ll call both your teachers and let them know you both are excused.” Lena said looking toward the couch.

Jude guided Connor to the couch in Lena’s office and they dropped their bags before settling on the couch Jude laid back and Connor just stayed in the safety of Jude’s arms. Connor hadn’t felt this safe and loved in nearly a month. Lena looked to Jude letting him know with her eyes she wanted an explanation later and Jude nodded his agreement before focusing back on Connor.” Mama Connor needs to come over after school…” Jude said not even looking toward her cause he knew she’d be okay with it. Jude rubbed Connors arm and back keeping him close. Connor closed his eyes his head on Jude’s chest, he was just listening to the sound of Jude’s beating heart it soothed him putting him to sleep. Connor had exhausted himself emotionally and physically.

—————————————————————————————————-

Jude made sure Connor was asleep before talking to Lena.” He’s not okay Mama” Jude said softly he was scared and worried and he couldn’t stop the tears that started but he kept it under control for the most part knowing he needed to for Connor. Lena frowned and looked at Connor who had his back to the world as he lay on Jude; her eyes then went to Jude who looked like he was trying to hold it back.

“Oh Hunny what’s going on?” She moved over to a seat beside them keeping her voice down as much as Jude so they didn’t wake or upset Connor. Jude frowned and looked to Connor.” I’m scared he’s gonna do something if he’s left alone I mean something worse then what he’s been doing.” Jude said through tears and a shaky voice that he was trying keep as calm as he could. Lena placed a hand on Jude’s shoulder and gently squeezed.” What makes you say that?” she asked softly.

Jude frowned deeply “He’s losing this fight mom… he’s trying so hard but he’s losing it I can see it…It’s written all over him the way he walks.. The way he talks… or doesn’t talk anymore.. The way he doesn’t eat anymore he doesn’t care anymore…” Jude said softly trying to contain himself. “I can feel it mom.. He’s just.. He’s so tired… of all this “Jude stopped talking and focused on the curled up boy in his arms. Lena turned her focus to the sleeping boy she noticed his knuckles and frowned she knew they had to keep him close but she knew they couldn’t keep him forever and that eventually he’d have to go home.. “It’ll be okay Jude… I promise’ she reassured her son but as she walked back to her desk she wasn’t so sure of her own words, she knew they had to keep a close eye on Connor.


	6. Self-Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude's fear becomes a horrifying reality only two days later.  
> Connor looses any control he had and finally gives up. Jude rushes to his best friends aid hoping to whoever and whatever was out there that he wasn't too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you'll notice i was inspired by the movie Cyberbully as you'll see it's a similar scene to the one in the movie because of how it inspired me to do the whole story. You should check the movie out it's amazing.  
> Anyway if you ever feel like Connor has felt in this story talk to someone dont shut the people who care about you out ... Someone will understand and try to help you and love you no matter what.

Two days later Jude had tried to keep Connor with him as much as possible but he had to go home and Jude hated that; he hated not being able to make sure Connor was okay. The whole time Connor was with the Adams fosters he was just distant. He didn’t eat much he was sort of checked out and Jude was trying so damn hard to pull him out of his dark thoughts. It only worked once or twice but not for very long. Jude had this bad feeling he couldn’t shake it he just couldn’t, every time he looked at Connor he got even more worried he wanted to keep Connor safe just wrap him up and never let him go let him know he’s loved.

Jude made sure that Connor knew he loved him he would hold him and tell him even if Connor wouldn’t say anything he knew he heard because he’d hide himself closer to Jude, those two days Jude wouldn’t leave Connor alone. Connor was mentally fighting himself he couldn’t bring himself to form any kind of words or anything really and when Jude would talk to him he’d listen and he tried to let him know he was listening. School that day was weird Jude had this terrible sinking feeling in his gut, Connor wouldn’t talk he looked even more distant than the days before and Jude just couldn’t get rid of this feeling.

Connor was just done he was checked out at school he didn’t try anything he lost his interest in everything aside from Jude the only person he’d even really look at. Jude did everything he could to stay close to Connor throughout the entire day; it seemed to help but barely. The end of the day came up quickly Jude had to go to a different class just before they separated Connor had this look on his face he seemed focused at least just for that moment, he didn’t say anything he just stopped Jude and took his hand placing it over his heart and looking into his eyes. Connor was hoping Jude was understanding what he was trying to get across he was non-verbally telling Jude he loved him, Connor leaned in and kissed his cheek. “ I love you.” He said so softly it was almost impossible to hear. Jude upon hearing that instantly felt Connor was saying it in a way that he shouldn’t be saying it.. Jude felt like Connor was saying as if it were the last time he’d be seeing Jude ever..

That scared the holy hell of Jude. “I’ll see you after class.” Jude said hopefully while trying to hold back all the things that threaten to come out… They parted ways. Connor was walking down the hall looking for a place to skip class; rounding a corner he shoved his hands in his pockets when he approached those two friends of Johns. Connor had no idea they were even there until he heard one of them saying something rude, Connor said nothing just continued to walk. One of them shoved him while the other tripped him up.” Man he still didn’t get it.” They wandered around Connor slightly.” Fuckin fag.. He’s pathetic.” The other said as one of them shoved him to the ground. Connor fell to the floor and stayed there he didn’t bother moving he saw no point.

The boys left him after that no reaction wasn’t satisfying to them. Jude sat in class not being able to focus on anything he was shaking one of his feet anxiously that feeling just kept getting worse and as he thought about Connor and what he said how he said it Jude felt even more unnerved he felt like he shouldn’t be in class right now and it was going way too slow, he needed to get back to Connor right now.

————————————————————————————————-

Connor got up after a few minutes and decided to leave the school he walked out the doors and headed home. It was a bit of a walk but after a while he made it home; he knew Adam wouldn’t be home. Connor ran inside slamming his bedroom door after tossing his bag down. Connor paced his room these thoughts running through his head from the past month all the things people said what they did to him. Connors mind was stuck on the negative again as he paced his room he couldn’t hold it back and he broke down he started crying feeling so _**empty**_ so _ **worthless**_ so **_hated_** and so _**hurt.**_  Connor wasn’t thinking straight he hadn’t been thinking straight the past month. Everything was building up and it was just way too much he broke down before but more shit just kept piling up. Adam wouldn’t even look at Connor anymore like there was something wrong with him. Connor felt so alone he couldn’t take it anymore, pacing his room as he thought of the negative things that were building up he started pushing things off his shelves; he wasn’t sure what to do he walked to the end of his bed and gripped it rocking himself back and forth as he cried and tried to decide what to do.

Jude ran out of class after the bell rang he started looking everywhere for Connor; first his last class – no sign of him- then his locker and then the bathrooms and the gym and the locker room. Jude couldn’t find Connor anywhere he was really freaking out now that feeling was intense. Something was extremely wrong and Jude just kept thinking about the way Connors I love you sounded like a goodbye it was making him crazy.” Connor! “he said out loud but he knew he wasn’t around. Jude didn’t know what the hell to do right now as he walked around the now empty halls the bad feeling only intensifying. “ Momma..” Jude said out loud to himself as he looked around he was having trouble keeping his feelings in now. Jude pulled his phone out to try and call Connor he didn’t pick up” Connor c’mon!” He frowned trying two more times; When his phone went off with a message. It was a video message from Connor. Jude clicked the play button.

 _Connor was sitting there on his bed he was crying and it seemed like it was hard for him to get any words out but finally he spoke.” I don’t know why everybody **hates** me so much… ” Connors voice was shaky he couldn’t stop crying.” But Maybe I do… ‘Cause now I **hate me too.** ” He barely got out as he kept pushing through the tears. “Right now I don’t really see a reason for **trying** … or.. For talking..” Connor didn’t even try to stop crying he just looked so hurt so out of it so distant and Jude was crying now uncontrollable. “Or for **breathing** … I’m just **done**.” Connor was destroyed he wasn’t trying to hide it anymore it was all right there all the pain he felt all the anger he felt toward himself, all everything everyone had put on him this last month; was out and he couldn’t handle it he was so done and that was so obvious. The last look Connor gave the camera was so blank so lifeless so un-connor_  that it hurt Jude so much.

After the video ended Jude was crying he was so scared he ran to Lena’s office trying to call Connor over and over it kept ringing and going to voicemail “ Pick up the phone Connor… Pick up the phone… please pick up the phone…” Jude tried but every time he didn’t pick up. Jude burst into Lena's office not caring if anyone was in there or not. “ MOM! .. MOM!!” Jude blurted out in tears and Lena ran over to him “ Jude what is it Hunny? Whats the matter?” Jude couldn’t hold it back there wasn’t time. “ It’s Connor Mom It’s Connor he sent me a video..” Jude was talking a million miles a minute.” Jude Hunny please slow down what about Connor?” She asked concerned. “ I think he’s gonna try and kill himself.” Jude said loudly through his tears he couldn’t stop it he was scared. Lena grabbed her keys and Jude ran out to the car as Lena followed close behind.

She called 9-1-1 getting ambulance on route; Lena then got in the car and drove Jude to Connors. Lena barely stopped the car before Jude was jumping out of it he ran up the steps to Connors house and opened the front door leaving it wide open “CONNOR?” He called out as he looked around downstairs.” CONNOR?” he tried again. Jude ran up the stairs checking Connors room, the door was open he looked around “Connor where are you?” He asked worriedly. Jude looked in almost every room even Adams bathroom before finally going to the main bathroom. “ Connor…?” He tried again he pushed the door open. Connor was sitting there a bawling mess as he tried to get a cap off a bottle of pills “ I CANT GET THE STUPID THING OFF!!” he frowned pulling at it clearly distraught just a complete mess. Jude tried to take it away Connor fought back. “ **Stop!** Connor Stop it..” he pulled the bottle away and grabbed Connor wrapping his arms around him he instantly noticed an empty bottle already by the sink.” Connor.. What did you take?” he was trying to hold back his tears. “ Connor..”

They ended up on the floor, Jude cradling Connor in his arms holding him close trying to soothe the sobbing mess in his arms. “ Connor please tell me what you took..” he begged closing his eyes tightly. Connor was balled up on Jude’s lap he just couldn’t keep it back anymore.” ‘m so sorry Jude I’m sor-im so sorry… I just want it to stop it hurts I just wanna die I wanna make it stop” he babbled. Jude frowned the words were like knives they cut Jude deeply he couldn’t believe that Connor just said that. “Connor” Judes voice was so shaky.” What did you take?” he begged again.

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Lena and the paramedics rushed upstairs finding Jude holding Connor and of course the paramedics took over putting Connor onto a stretcher. Jude stayed close to him.” He took something… he took a whole bottle of something I dunno what he won’t tell me.” Jude said quickly trying to hold back the tears and failing miserably. Stef was there Lena must’ve called her and instantly she spotted the empty bottle and picked it up. The rest of it was a giant blur the paramedics took Connor away to the hospital quickly they had to work fast and pump his stomach of whatever pills he took. Lena was holding Jude close as she guided him out to the car and they followed the ambulance.

Stef arrived before they did with the bottle handing it over to the paramedic who had seen it at the house. It felt like hours when really it was just about two hours since they came into the hospital; Jude hadn’t been able to focus or sit still he was nervous and scared and just so confused he could barely keep it together; Lena tried to sooth him but he just pulled away and kept pacing, she let him have his space. A doctor came out and talked to Stef about what was happening; Jude ran over and looked at the doctor” Can I see him now?” The doctor looked to Jude and then Stef and back.” He’s not awake but he’s recovering… so if you’d …” Jude cut him off “I wanna see him” he said firmly. The Doctor nodded and motioned toward his room before going to inform Lena of things. Stef stopped Jude before allowing him to go in.” Jude I know you aren’t really focusing right now but the pills he took did he mention anything to you about needing to take them for anything? The doctor said they were prescribed most likely for a sports related injury nothing extremely serious but like most pills lethal if more than one is taken at a time..” Jude shook his head “ No.. he didn’t say anything.. maybe their Adams? “ he shrugged. Stef nodded slowly “ He was trying to mix those with sleeping pills… “ She said gently as possible of course. Jude frowned and closed his eyes trying to keep it together. “ Did he say anything to you about… doing something like this?” Stef asked gently rubbing Judes shoulder. Jude shook his head. “ No .. Never I mean I had a feeling something was going to happen.. I knew he was self-harming.. I tried to make him stop.. I didn’t … he was just.. he’s been so ..” he frowned getting over whelmed before turning and walking into the room.


	7. Things That Need To Be Said.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jude struggles with his conflicting feelings and prays to whoever is listening that his Jackass of a best friend will wake up.   
> Connor needs to hear Jude say somethings he hadn't said before...   
> ( Sorry this is a bit shorter o: Enjoy! Let me know what you think!!!)

Jude looked at Connor who still wasn’t awake like the doctor had said. Jude bit his bottom lip staring at Connor the words played in Jude’s head from literally just a few hours ago.” ** _M’sorry Jude so sorry it just hurts so much…I just wanna die.”_ ** Jude took in a shaky breath as he walked over to Connors bedside he wiped away some silent tears that had fallen; All this time Jude knew Connor was hurting he tried to help him he did. But it was hard to help someone who wouldn’t listen or open to you.. Jude underestimated how much pain Connor was in.

Jude put his hand on Connors cheek trying to keep the tears threatening to fall back. “You better wake up.” He said through a shaky breath.” You have to wake up for me… You can’t leave me… “He bit his bottom lip taking in a deep breath.” You can’t leave me alone...” He said softly. Jude was feeling so many things; he was scared, sad and kinda angry. Judes anger was actually a normal thing to be feeling right now, Jude was pissed at Connor for trying to do this for trying to leave him alone … Jude sat beside Connor in a chair and folded his hands covering his mouth as he stared at Connor in thought.

Jude watched as Connors chest rose and fell reminding Jude that his jackass of a best friend was still breathing. Tons of time had gone by it was late now and Jude had passed out in the chair by Connors bed; Lena and Stef decided to peak in a few times but they needed to give Jude his space. “I’m going to talk to the other kids...” Lena said softly before glancing at Jude again; he was out cold beside Connor. “Okay” Stef nodded.” I’ll stay here...” She said softly.” I’ll call you if anything changes.” Stef assured Lena who nodded; they kissed before separating. Stef stayed by the room she was thinking about things when the Doctor came over to talk to her.

“When Connor wakes up we’d like to keep him here over night maybe for a few nights.. to make sure he’s recovering well and we want to keep an eye on him.. Did you know he was self-harming?” Stef looked into the room she then shook her head slowly.” I had no idea.. But Jude did..” She glanced down in thought. The doctor nodded and glanced into the room.” Well he should wake up soon we put him on some sedatives to just make him sleep for a little while but he should wake up soon.” The doctor nodded before leaving Stef to guard the room.

Connor started to move he felt so sleepy and he couldn’t remember where he was. Connor rubbed his eyes slowly and then looked around the dimly lit room, that’s when he saw Jude passed out in the chair beside him; Connor moved his eyes to one of his wrist where he noticed a hospital bracelet he narrowed his eyes a bit and brought it closer so he could read the stuff on it. Connor bit his inner looking toward the machine that was beeping letting everyone know his heart was still in fact beating. Connor then looked back toward Jude he reached over taking Judes hand gently. Jude stirred right away when he felt a hand he opened his eyes and looked to Connor; Jude sat up right taking Connors hand.” Hey… Hey are you okay? “He asked softly, concern written all over his face.” Yeah..” Connor replied slowly as he watched Jude. “You know..” Jude said slowly he was still concerned but he had to get this off his chest. “That was selfish Connor.. What you were trying to do … “ Connor frowned and looked down, Jude gently took a hold of his face.” How do you think it made me feel? Connor you’re my best friend .. You’re so much more than that and I love you. I love you so much .. and to see you struggle like that.. I felt like.. it didn’t matter what I tried to do you just kept shutting me out..” Jude was trying to stay calm but the little bit of anger was edging into his voice.” And you know that’s not fair.. You can't just keep shutting me out Connor.. It hurts me .. “

Connor looked at Jude with tears threatening to fall; he felt bad for causing Jude so much pain. “ Then you try and do that… you try leave me like that… Connor did you even think for one second how that would affect me? Did you? Cause I think you wouldn’t of done it if you did… It doesn’t make problems disappear it doesn’t make the pain go away…. It creates new problems for the people who love you and it passes that pain on to them.” Jude looked in Connors eyes. “ You need to understand something Connor Stevens.. You’re not alone. You have never been alone. You have always had me. Always. So don’t you dare go and shut me out like that.. Don’t you even try.” Jude took in a deep breath allowing some tears to fall. Connor stared up at Jude as he spoke he frowned he couldn’t help the tears that escaped. “Jude.. I’m sorry...” He said seriously reaching up he gently wiped away some of Jude’s tears.” I am so sorry.” He said softly. “I love you to and I guess I just… I dunno...” he frowned and glanced down.” I just thought that maybe everybody was right...” Jude shook his head.” No Connor nobody was right. Nobody has the right to make you feel like less of a human. You’re an amazing person and you care so much… Babe.” Jude paused.

“You have such a big heart and you’re so incredibly sweet You have so much to live for Connor… Yeah things are shitty right now and it sucks… But I can promise you that there’s a light at the end of this dark road… I made it here didn’t i?” Jude asked softly. Connor knew all the shit Jude had to go through before getting here he nodded slowly. “Connor you’re not a quitter … You’re a fighter… and maybe you feel like there’s no reason to fight.. But it’s bullshit there’s always a reason to fight. “Jude leaned in finally and kissed Connor he put all his emotions into the kiss and he felt Connor do the same as he kissed him back. “ My Connor Stevens is a fighter he isn’t selfish … he’s sweet and he stands up for people who cant seem to stand up for themselves. You are my Connor Stevens.” Jude said softly gently stroking Connors cheek.” You are my light Connor.. “ Jude said softly as he locked eyes with Connor. Connor searched Jude’s eyes he nodded.” I love you Jude… I’m Sorry… I was being stupid.. and I wasn’t thinking clearly… “Connor spoke softly gently stroking Jude’s cheek.” You’re so good to me… So amazing.. you were with me the whole time and I was just too stupid to realize it… and I’m so sorry for hurting you Jude… you have every right to be pissed at me… “

Jude shook his head.” I’m not pissed… I was just… I was scared I don’t ever wanna see that side of you again it’s scary.” He said softly.” It’s not you.” Jude pressed a kiss to Connors lips. “Are you hungry? Do you want anything?” Jude asked as he stood up right. Connor took Jude’s hands “I want you… to lay with me.. “ Connor said as he scooted over. Jude nodded and climbed into the bed with him laying beside him. “Promise me something?” Jude asked after a moment of silence. “Anything.” Connor replied cuddling up to Jude. “Never do that again… Ever… “Jude said seriously as he glanced to Connor. Connor looked at Jude he nodded slowly. “I promise… I won’t.” Connor hid his face in Judes neck closing his eyes.


	8. The Things You Said.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor calls Jude out on a few things he said meanwhile Adam struggles with what he did and coming to terms with things trying to understand.. and correct what he did wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all can forgive me for chapter 7! I'm new to writing this type of story. I hope you'll all enjoy and maybe accept chapter 8 as a sort of apology <3

A nurse comes into Connors room; she nice she makes small talk and tries to stay cheery." So Connor how old are you?" She asked curiously as she went about checking a few things. Connor bit his inner lip in thought." I'm Fifteen." he nodded slowly watching as the nurse took his arm gently to redo the bandages on his wrist." Oh, You're so young." she smiled and glanced to Connor who was looking toward Jude he was heading into the bathroom with a bag probably to change his two day old clothes. "Whose he?" the nurse asked glancing toward the closed bathroom door. Connor pulled his chocolate brown eyes from the door and looked to the nurse." He's my boyfriend..i think.. I mean he's my best friend.. but he's also my boyfriend.." Connor said thoughtfully.  They had made it official a few hours after Connor woke up; Connor couldn't get some of Jude's words out of his head though... Being selfish.. and stupid at the time he didn't really think about it but after a while and lot of silence .. time to think.. the words sank in and they left Connor feeling weird.. he felt sad. 

Jude and Connor made a promise to open up to each other from now and try not to close each other out; So Connor made a choice  he was going to be open and honest with Jude about how he was feeling right now. The nurse finished up and left the room to go tend to other patients; Jude came out of the bathroom in fresh clothes and wet hair - after all there was a shower in there.-  Jude walked over to Connor noticing his face he raised an eyebrow as he set his bag down." Hey ... Whats the matter?" he asked as his brow furrowed in confusion. Connor looked up at Jude and swallowed the lump in his throat."It's just.. you know how we promised to .. be open and honest with each other?" Connor asked slowly doing that weird indescribable jaw thing he did when he was nervous. " Yeah i remember." Jude said keeping his eyes on Connor who seemed to be sorting through what he wanted to say in his head." It's just.. Some of the things.. you said." he paused and glanced away from Jude." About me being stupid... and selfish.." he continued.

Jude slowly came to a realization that maybe he didn't exactly handle his feelings right a few days ago. " Connor.." Jude said softly as he pulled up a chair to sit beside Connor. " I didn't mean it .. i'm sorry i was just so confused on how to feel and it came out so wrong." Jude looked down to his feet. Connor was working hard to hold back tears as he looked toward Jude. " It's just.. I know... i screwed up." Connor said honestly." I know i did.. and i know i shouldn't of shut you out the way i did... " Connor continued with a shaky voice. " It doesn't help me though Jude when i hear you say stuff like that.." he finished looking away from Jude as he took in a much needed breath.  Jude shook his head and gently took Connors hand." I know... Connor I know i'm so sorry i fucked up.. and i didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel lesser... "

Jude paused as he stood up gently cupping Connors cheek; turning his head so Connor was looking at him." I'm sorry i mean it. I was the jackass for going off on you like that when you didn't need that  and i understand why you're upset.. I Just want you to know that i didn't mean to hurt you." Jude said softly gently stroking Connors cheek as they locked eyes both were teary eyed. " I just.. you know me and i know it's not an excuse for me being a jackass .. but you know when i get overwhelmed i make mistakes.. and i say things i didn't mean.. calling you stupid and selfish was a mistake." Jude said as he gently rubbed Connors cheek." I'm sorry. I was just so scared and confused and i thought i was gonna lose you.. " Jude frowned and looked down. Connor studied Jude's face as he spoke taking in all he said; Connor didn't wanna see Jude cry and he didn't want to start crying himself.

Gently Connor pulled in closer; the other boy moving easily as Connor pulled him into a hug. They hugged silently for a while before Connor finally spoke."I didn't mean to scare you.." he breathed softly. Jude pulled away from Connor and looked into his eyes. "Connor, i love you okay. I worry about you. Yes im gonna say stupid things sometimes when i'm freaking out but i need you to understand that i love you no matter what." Jude said seriously as he searched Connors eyes. Connor stared back and Jude and nodded slowly  he reached up and pulled Jude into kiss. The kiss was deep and meaningful, it was like everything they couldn't say was put in that kiss. "Do you forgive your jackass of a boyfriend?" Jude asked softly resting his forehead against Connors as he looked into his eyes. Connor looked into Jude's eyes and smiled he put a hand on the back of Jude's head and slowly nodded." Course i do.. You're my Jackass." he said softly pulling Jude in for sweet kiss.

Connor had forgiven Jude because he knew Jude was going to be beating himself up for weeks to come and he really didn't want that. Connor had decided that things were going to be different; Connor had Jude now his rock and he opened up to let him in like he should have in the first place." Lay with me." Connor asked softly after they broke the kiss. " Always." Jude replied softly as he climbed in bed with Connor; Connor  rested his head on Jude's chest  right above his heart so he could listen to it beat. Jude gently ran his fingers through Connors hair as he looked down to the boy he was in love with. They had a long way to go but this was progress. This was good." You smell better." Connor said softly with a smile; Jude laughed lightly and continued running his fingers through Connors hair. " Thank you..." he said softly as he kept his eyes on Connor. Jude was smitten by the boy that lay in his arms; he had never seen someone so absolutely beautiful he thanked his lucky stars that Connor was okay. That Connor was breathing and smiling.. and kissing him. Connor was okay. They had a long path of recovery to go  but Jude planned on being there for every single second. Connor was his light and Jude was Connors rock. 

It was silent for a while. Just the sound of their breathing and the heart monitor beeping steadily when finally Connor broke the silence." Has... My dad come around?" Connor asked hesitantly but he had to ask he needed to know.. Jude wasn't the only one to get that video sent to him. " Uhm." Jude said softly playing with Connors hair." I havent seen him..." Jude admitted defeat he hated that he had to tell Connor that he knew it hurt him and it was the last thing Jude wanted to do. Connor was quite again nuzzling closer to Jude in thought; Connor had no idea how to feel about his dad at this point he decided it'd be best just deal with it later and for now... _Jude_.

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Adam Stevens got the video alright. Adam wasn't every other normal parent however the video did effect him he got worried and rushed home but when he got there no one was there he of course called Lena asking what had happened and where Connor was. Lena scolded him over the phone after telling him everything else.  Now here Adam was pacing the floor of the hospital unsure if he should even go up or not; he was awful to Connor absolutely awful and it was all hitting him like a sack of bricks. Adam was part to blame for this as were the kids bullying his son; he had no idea about the kids bullying Connor though.  Lena walked through the doors with a few things for the boys because she knew they were going to be there a few more days. " Oh Adam." She said as she saw him. " have you been up to see Connor yet?"  Adam looked at Lena  and shook his head." No.. I don't know if i should.." He trailed off. Lena watched him narrowing her eyes." Why not?"  Adam sighed running his hands over his face." I'm part of the reason he.. He's.. " Adam sighed again." Up there.." he couldn't meet Lenas gaze and he really just didn't want to.  Lena nodded slowly she could have guessed that the problem ran deeper than just school. " I didnt... want him to be gay." Adam said ashamed. Nearly losing his only son though was like a slap in the face a reality check. " Oh." Lena said slowly trying to keep her cool. " Adam we don't choose these things it's just part of who we are and it's not right for someone to tell you that you can't be who you are simply because you don't approve." she said as she moved toward the elevator. " You need to make amends with that boy upstairs Adam he needs a father and you need to act like a father." Lena said as she pressed the up arrow." If you don't accept him it's going to be you that gets shut out." Adam slowly nodded taking it all in as he stood there trying to decide what to do.  " Connor's fifteen years old he needs his father he needs to know he's loved and safe and accepted. You're all he has at home. " The elevator dinged. " Get your act together Adam or you're going to lose him." Lena said as she got into the elevator. 

Adam stood there taking it all in as he watched the elevator door close he ran his hands over his face and walked around the hospital floor again; Adam entered the little gift shop and started looking around thoughtfully he didn't know what he was doing he didn't know if Connor could ever forgive him. Adam didn't know if he could ever forgive himself for putting Connor through hell; but Lena was right he had to try something even if he didn't really agree with Connors lifestyle he was going to try.  Adam ended up buying some teddy bear thing and few candies he thought Connor would like and he had them sent up to Connors room because he wasn't sure it was a good time to see him face to face. Adam ended up in the cafeteria getting a coffee and sitting down while deep in thought he had no idea how he was going to make it up to Connor if he even could.

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Jude and Connor were laying on the bed together; Connors head on Jude's chest  he had fallen asleep and Jude didn't want to wake him he kept running his fingers through Connors hair slowly as he watched whatever was playing on TV. Lena came in quietly with a small box of things; setting them down on a near by table she stopped and looked at the sleeping Connor before glancing to Jude and giving him a smile." There's a few things in there i thought might be useful." she whispered pulling out a pillow she handed it to Jude; he smiled and set it behind his own head. " Thanks." he whispered back as Lena pulled out a blanket and cover both Jude and Connor." Have you eaten yet?" Lena asked softly." Not hungry.. " Jude said as he focused on Connor who stirred a bit in his sleep as he readjusted his position." There's some snacks in the box if you get hungry and can't order from the cafeteria." Lena said softly as she looked at Jude who nodded slowly." Thank you." he whispered. Lena nodded." Me and Mom are going to take turns being here with you two okay? Moms going to stay here tonight and i'll see you in the morning." Lena said softly. Jude slowly nodded." Thanks mama." Jude whispered as Lena kissed his forehead. " Adams here.. I don't know when and if he'll come up i just thought you should know. " Lena whispered before leaving Jude and Connor.

Jude continued to run his fingers slowly through Connors hair as he listened to him breath he looked to the TV in thought wondering if Adam would do the right thing or not; they would have to wait and see. For now Jude was content in this moment with his boyfriend; Connor had his head on Jude's chest he was cuddled up to him his head of Jude's heart as he listened to his steady heart beat that in turn had put him right to sleep.  Jude was getting tired so he closed his eyes lazily running his fingers through Connors hair as he slowly passed out himself.  The boys slept soundly safe in each others company and support; surrounded by love and nothing else right now was perfect. 


End file.
